PrototypeTheory

Hello whoever chooses to read this.

If you’ve been following this account, or if you’ve stumbled across it during your journey through this site, first of all I would like to say Good Morning, Afternoon, evening or whenever you’re reading this. I really don’t know how to start this off so I’ll just say what’s on my mind.

I know I haven’t been posting here in a very long time. Not having my computer anymore sucks big time. That being said however I do in fact still draw though it’s mainly on paper now and I just take a picture with my phone and post it to Twitter. I’ve mostly been doing art trades with an occasional commission here and there. It’s not much but it gives me an incentive to keep drawing. A while back I used to get really upset because people weren’t commissioning me and it really made me second guess myself and my art. But now, I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me and while I do joke occasionally by saying my art sucks I know that while I’m not the best by any stretch and I could always improve, I have more confidence in my artwork now.

On another note, and one of the real reasons I’m typing this out right now, is that since the last time I posted a journal here or anywhere honestly things have changed a lot in my life both online and irl. And because of this a lot of things have been put into perspective and I’ve come to a lot of realizations. I have my issues just like everyone else, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, etc. I deal with stuff everyday on a daily basis. However the way I went about trying to deal with these issues have caused me to lose people that I care about. And I realized that I’m a very toxic person and I’m doing everything I can to do better and be better.

That being said though I’ve also learned that my negative mentality is the reason I don’t have many friends left, if any at all. And while I do wish that things were different and that I still had my friends. I see that they’re doing much better since parting ways with me and I’m honestly glad for them. My former friends are gone and they’re not coming back. They’ve moved and I’m not blaming them or myself anymore for that matter. I’m not going to be depressed or beat myself up over it anymore. I wish them the best and I will simply move on. Now I will not sit here and lie and say that it hasn’t affected me. In fact, because of the circumstances I have severe trust issues.

I can say that I have done a lot of reflecting. I’m always reflecting. But it took losing people I was close to online and in my personal life for it to really be hammered home. I have my flaws, just like everyone else. I’m not perfect. I never once claimed to be. And I’m more than man enough to admit and acknowledge my mistakes and flaws. And I’m working everyday to be a better person. While I’m not as depressed as I used to be I’m doing much better emotionally. I won’t get into the details and I know that there will be bad days in the future because I know just as well as everyone else that depression just doesn’t go away because you or anyone else wants it too. Still though I will continue to fight.

I feel like I’ve rambled on for too long so I’ll wrap this up by saying I’m still drawing and if anyone wants to contact me for a commission, art trade, or just wanna talk, ask for my discord as I’m most active there. All I ask is that you have a bit of patience with me that’s all.

Thank you for reading this and please enjoy your day no matter what.

Wow it's been a long time since I posted one of these. Anyway, to anyone who reads this, one, thank you so very much. And two, I'm not dead, things have just been, slightly difficult. I won't bore you with the details but to sum it up a few things have happened. For starter, last year I lost quite a few family members, and even more friends. Next, my laptop is completely dead. I guess this one is my fault for letting my brother use it. But anyway, because I don't have a laptop anymore I haven't been able to do art like I want to. Which leads into my next point, I'm trying to save up for a new one (or at least a decent enough once so that I return to doing digital  art) so I'm offering really cheap traditional commissions. If you're interested please contact me via PM or discord. Oh that's right, for those who are unaware I'm more active on discord than anywhere right now. Just ask if you wanna add me. Okay, what next...oh yeah I've been playing a lot Genshin Impact in the last year, alongside DragonBall Xenoverse 2 if you have PS4 and wanna play I play those and a few others like CoD, Overwatch, Castle Crashers, Scott Pilgrim, Streets of Rage 4, and a few fighting games too. This next one is sorta a more personal one. So for those who do or don't know, I've had issues with my mental health. Because of that I usually tend to vanish without a trace, not telling anyone anything. Well my mental health has gotten a bit better. It's been rough trying to get a grip on myself (don't laugh...okay you can laugh) without any kind of therapy or medication. Mainly because the US's healthcare  system is a complete joke. I've been trying to tackle these issues of mine on my own and don't get me wrong I will have my bad days, who doesn't, but I am doing significantly better than I was. I've come to terms with certain things and I don't get as upset as I used to. I still do, just not as much. Things have been up and down for me lately but I'm trying to keep pushing forward. Anyways how have you been, I'd like to hear about what you've been up. Or if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask. Thank you again for reading this and I hope you have a good day.

I was contemplating not doing this. I honestly was. But since nobody even bothers reading these things I figured I just need to get this out. Despite how it might seem to some people I'm not doing too well. I haven't been doing well for quite a while a now....a long while actually. A lot has happened and despite trying desperately to not let it get to me, it has. And now, I find myself realizing something. All of the misfortune that has been falling on me, I must have done something to deserve it.

I try really hard to be good person because that's just how I am. Am I perfect? No. I'm not and I never will be. Despite that I try to do the right thing even if it's extremely difficult. I try to be there for people, I try to help, I try to show people that they aren't alone. But deep down, I'm a horrible person. I try to help others while also shouldering my own issues myself and going it alone. I do this all while trying to be positive for others. Being positive for others...that's really easy...doing it for yourself is a different story.

As I said earlier, I've been going through a lot lately and it has gotten to me. So much that everything that I've kept inside for so long has come spilling out...slowly but surely. Over the past year or two, I've been hurt so many times that I've nearly turned to drugs to try to numb the pain. I've had falling outs with the people closest to me. I've lost friends. I've had anxiety attacks. And even recently my uncle was killed by police...and they pretty much aren't being held accountable. People I cherished as friends have walked out on me without a word. While others moved on just left me behind. I've been hurt, robbed, ripped off, betrayed, abandoned and it never seems to end. I've broken down. I've cried. I've lost sleep. I hardly eat anymore. And there just seems to be no end in sight. People always say "things will get better". When? When will things possibly get better? Because from where I'm standing, it's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to stay positive, life and people continue to screw me over.

All of these thoughts, feelings, and situations have made me think that maybe I did do something to deserve this and my misfortune is just karma getting me. Maybe I'm the terrible person. Maybe I've hurt people without realizing it. Maybe I brought all this on myself. Maybe I don't deserve friends.

On that matter, I've also began to question if I really have any friends at all anymore. Most either left or hate me. Everywhere I usually go, be it DeviantArt, FurAffinity, Inkbunny, or even Facebook, everyone seems to just be gone. Hell even discord has been dying for me in the last few months. Again I ask if I even have any friends...

Its funny...people have made jokes and memes using using that one clip from that Katy Perry interview...the one where she said "You just have to say that you're fine, when you're not really fine, but you just can't get into it because they would never understand." As much of a joke as that might be to some people, that's honestly how I've been for a long time now. People say they understand but do they really? And if they honestly did then why is it that the first thing they say is "get help"? I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore...

I've tried so hard to cope. But these events and situations have even made it hard for me to enjoy the things I used to enjoy because they end making me remember things I don't want to. I'm not happy. I haven't been for a really long time. Everytime I get a bit of it, it's always snatched away from me to the point now I feel like anything I really want out of life is just asking too much.

Which has left me questioning...Is life even worth it anymore?

If I could just get some answers to these questions, I'd at least be content. But even that is asking too much out of fate. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I try to good person...I try to be there and support people when they need it....I try to do always do the right thing even if that means making the hard decisions other people are incapable of making. But where does that get me? I can't change the way I am. I'm a naturally kindhearted person and I'll always be. Because I refuse to turn into someone who is disrespectful and just rude towards people for no reason whatsoever.

I've tried taking breaks, I've tried venting to friends, I've tried making vent art...all it does is make people hate me even more and judge me...I've even tried that stupid hotline. Nothing works and I'm still unhappy Sometimes I feel like I truly have only one way to make all of this pain stop. I keep saying that maybe I did something to deserve my misfortune...if that is the case...all I want to know is what did I do. But I can't even get that.

There's honestly no hope left for me.