When I was young my mother told me something that has stuck with me up til now.
"Hate is very strong word. I believe you can dislike someone or something, but you can never truely hate."
Those word have led me to attempt to see the see good in everyone. To give people a chance. Even if I were to use the word "hate" I would never be serious about it. Its jus one of those words that rolls of the tongue so easily. Throughout my life I've had many shortcomings and a few noteworthy triumphs. I've experienced so much misfortune that I've had the misfortune of being able to analyze them. And it was through this analysis that I discovered just how strong hate is. Not just as a word but as a feeling. A natural human emotion that exists within us all. With some, the hate is much greater, much stronger than with others. And I've tried...I've tried to deal with it on my own. Because there is no one that I can turn to. And that boiling hatred that has built itself up inside of me has slowly...slowly began to seep through cracks and holes of the wall that was once my will. A man's hatred is truely a powerful force. But you gotta ask..."Where did the hatred come from? What caused such a nice person to harbor such thoughts?" There happens to be quite a few answers to those questions. Society, loneliness, jealousy, lies, betrayal, abandonment, disrespect, etc. The list goes on! But the most important piece to this little puzzle...more important than anything else...is myself. Yes, all of my misfortune and thus all of my hatred, all stems from my own self. I am the true root of the problem. This perplexing conundrum...is all because of me. I hate the way society and this current generation is. I hate being that guy no one wants to talk to. I hate sitting here alone while everyone I know is happy with someone. I hate modern music. I hate internet drama. I hate it when people tell me they'll be here for and that they're my friends, then the moment I need them they turn their backs. I hate myself because...because I'm the one who set myself up to endure the pain I feel in my heart every single day. And the worse part...the part I fear the most...is that I might be growing used to the pain. The emotional and quite physical pain of hatred.
This hatred I've carried with me for so long, while it usually comes from intense anger, I've been unable to let that anger out which in turn becomes extreme sadness. However, for personal reasons I am unable to cry. This then takes that sadness and turns into a form of severe depression and as of recently, anxiety attacks. People have told me "You should get help" This makes me upset because I wouldn't feel comfortable telling some strange person I don't stuff like I'm sad because I'm single. But now...I don't even know if I can even talk to those I call friends. I'd rather not lose anymore friends because they got sick of my "Emo Bullshit" So I try to handle my own emotional instability and in doing so I realized that I may in fact have some form of bipolar disorder. Those who have known me long enough know that at times I have taken my own emotional distress out on myself. This is because while part of me harbors my extreme hatred and anger, the other part of me is still compassionate and cares for others. And because of that I would never be able to bring myself to take my emotions out on anyone else. I'm kindhearted by nature. Which is one of the things I hate about myself but it can't be belp. Call me crazy if you want, call me a psycho, I don't care anymore. I will admit getting this stuff off my chest has made me feel a little better. However I've lived for 22 years...and if I were to guess I'd say 5 or 6 more is all I have left before I go off the deep end and...well...use your imagination
I know nobody's going to even read this. There's no reason to. That's my whole point of putting this here.