I guess I'm even more of a hypocrite than I than I thought...but I needed to let this out.
And so we're clear this is not directed at anyone nor is this a cry for attention.
Anyways, I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't be around. Nobody here but maybe 2 people ever bother even talking to me anymore. And even then, my depression is so bad that I'm pretty I've gotten on their nerves by now. I can't help it if I'm not happy all the damn time. I'm not some optimistic anime protagonist who believes that the power of friendship will get me through. No. That's not it because despite being friends, they have their own lives to live and won't always be there for you. That's how it is. That's the truth. The truth that I didn't want to accept and continued to deny. I wanted to think that if I had someone special in my life, that I would be happy. But thinking like that led me to make a lot of stupid decisions that I regret now and now I'm at the point where I've lost all hope in that stupid belief. I've completely locked what people would consider a heart away and I will never "love" anyone. The only thing I can do is try to be there for my friends. Problem is however, who are my friends? Sometimes I feel as though the people I try to talk to, never really seem interested and are annoyed by me, and that they only bother replying because...well I don't even know. And then there are still those who just flat out ignore me...but then again, more and more people seem to be doing that now. So can you really blame me for not being in high spirits. Then again, whether or not you do doesn't even matter. I try to be nice, I try to be friendly, but in some way, shape, or form I always end up screwing everything up because of my depression. Its no wonder everyone leaves. But depression isn't something that can just go away with a few nice words but that's what everyone thinks. Despite that...I try not to let my depression get too bad for the sake of those I call friends by wearing the metaphorical smiling mask. But even then I feel as though most people are only nice to me so that they can just get stuff like art from me. People have gotten upset with me over not getting any art. Its one of the reasons I want to give up and quit. I do art for people, I don't mind doing art for people, but the people who do art for me, I can literally count on my fingers. The reason I don't bother with this is because me receiving a gift/fanart is so rare that I've come to not even care anymore. (And I don't count requests as gift/fanart. The definitions are too different) And I know what I'm saying is selfish. I have no intention on arguing with anyone over that. It's a waste of time. Lately I haven't had the motivation to draw. I've been like this all summer. Drawing has become more of chore now and it seems no one really cares about my art unless its for them. And now that I'm incapable of doing art, I feel worthless to everyone. This combined with the feeling that my mother thinks I'm a worthless failure only makes me feel worse. In fact, It was so bad that I wanted to take....never mind. Its just an afterthought now. Anyway I'm sorry to those people I've annoyed, hurt, etc. I don't know what I should do anymore. I don't know what I should be feeling. I don't know what I want anymore.